Rule #1 for surviving zombieland: cardio.
Don't let them catch you with your pants down. Rule #3: beware of bathrooms.
Time to nut up or shut up.
Best thing about Z-land? No Facebook status updates.
Take away a man's son, you've truly given him nothing left to lose.
FYI, I've beat wholesale ass for a lot less than that.
[ running around dressed up like an Indian ]
She's only famous when she's Hannah Montana. When she's wearing the wig.
Oh, this is so exciting, you're about to learn who you're gonna call... Ghostbusters.
I've been watching you since I was like... Since I could masturbate. I mean, not that they're connected.
Your sister is single, right?
Is that how you say hello where you come from?
So, do you have any regrets?
You are like a giant cock blocking robot, like developed in a secret fucking government lab.
I haven't cried like that since Titanic.
You're thinking about fucking Wichita.
Trust no one, just you and me.
You have just survived the zombie apocalypse and drove half way across the country. Where are you gonna go?
You weren't exactly gonna score anyway. You weren't storming the trenches before I came along.
I'm not great at farewells, so uh... that'll do, pig.
Hop in the car, Evil Knievel. Let's go ride the roller coaster.
I think they might actually require our assistance this time.
My momma always told me that someday I'd be good at somethin'. Who'd've guessed that somethin'd'be be zombie killin'.
Look at this fucking clown.
Finally got to first base. Not bad for that scrawny little spit-fuck.
Where are ya', you spongy, yellow, delicious bastards? Where are ya'?
Let me begin my three-part apology by saying that you're a wonderful human with great potential.
It would be in direct violation of rule 17, maybe the most important rule of all: don't be a hero.
What do you think? Zombie kill of the week?
You see? You just can't trust anyone. The first time I let a girl into my life and she tries to eat me.
When you're at your must vulnerable somehow they could just smell it.
Fasten your seat belts, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.
That guy down there... is me. I'm in Garland, Texas. And it may look like zombies destroyed it, but that's actually just Garland.
Another rule to surviving zombieland: travel light.
I've always been kind of a loner. I avoided other people
like they were zombies even before they were zombies. Now that they are all zombies,
I kinda miss people.
No one back there but my duffel bag.
One for me. One and done, I always say. I said that once.
You should actually limber up as well especially if we're going down that hill. It is very important.
You ever see a lion limber up before it takes down a gazelle?
There are no penguins on the North Pole.
It's amazing how quickly things can go from bad to total shitstorm.
You wanna feel how hard I can punch?
There's a box of Twinkies in that grocery store. Not just any box of Twinkies, the last box of Twinkies that anyone will enjoy in the whole universe.
Rule #22: when in doubt know your way out.
[ rule #31 check the back seat ]
For me home was a puppy named Buck. Cutest dog ever.
Rule #32: enjoy the little things.
You got taken hostage by a 12 year old?
Twelve's the new twenty. Gun please.
Don't kill me with my own gun!
And even though life would never be simple or innocent again, as he savored that spongy, yellow log of cream, we had hope. We had each other. And without other people, well, you might as well be a zombie.