I've been waiting for you.
Today I quit my job. Then I told my boss to go fuck himself, and then I blackmailed him for almost sixty thousand dollars. Pass the asparagus.
This country is going straight to hell.
Well you know what? I've changed. And the new me whacks off when he feels horny, 'cause you're obviously not going to help me out in that department.
I can't believe you don't know how beautiful you are.
I was hoping you could give me a bath. I'm very, very dirty.
Look, Sergeant, I got three reasons for being in the Army.
First, I'm patriotic. Second, I love my country. And third, they nailed me.
You are a total prostitute.
In order to be successful, one must project an image of success at all times.
He's doing massive psychological damage to me.
Remember those posters that said... "Today is the first day of the rest of your life?" Well, that's true with every day except one... the day you die.
What a sad... old man you are.
If people I don't even know look at me and want to fuck me, it means I really have a shot at being a model.
Never underestimate the power of denial.
Honey... I am so proud of you. You know, I watched you very closely. You didn't screw up once.
It's the weirdest thing. I feel like I've been in a coma for the past twenty years. And I'm just now waking up.
Look at me: jerking off in the shower. This will be the high point of my day. It's all downhill from here.
Welcome to America's weirdest home videos.
I want to look good naked.
I'm not obsessing. I'm just curious.
Will someone please pass me the fucking asparagus?